Before I write any further, I think now I know why am I so bad in speaking, maybe it is because I rarely use English to communicate now. Back in my university, I have to use it or else no one will understand what I am talking about. I realise that I still have confidence when I speak using technical terms especially economics terms. Maybe I used to present in that 'language'. Other thing is, every time I want to speak, I will translate in my mind from BM to english and because my BM is too good, I have a tendency to have a quite complex sentences to be translated into english. So maybe from now on, I will try to use english as frequent as possible and avoid doing the translation.

Anyway, what I will write for today is regarding our culture. I will not comment on every social norms because it will take forever for me to write them down. Yesterday, when I browsed through internet looking for something, I found an article regarding this young actress who- I don't know whether it is a mistake or not- wrote a grammatically error sentence, and everyone start to comment on that. Most of them gave bad comments on that matter. I just don't understand what kind of culture do we have here. They like to condemn people on every mistake they did it just like everyone has to be perfect in every sense and that ridiculous. Only Allah is that perfect. This culture is very rooted in Malay people, that is why sometime it is hard to get a Malay volunteer to do something in front of so many people because the cost of failing to do something is very high. If you make a mistake, you can't expect everyone will go to you and pat on your back telling you that it is ok. Some of them will 'boo' you and some of them who are more polite will just whisper to a person next to him/her 'tu la berlagak sgt, padan muka'. If we can't afford to make mistake, don't even dream to gain success.

Start up

I am not into blogging, really. The point of having this blog is because maybe someday I will need this to express anything that I think I want to share with somebody who are unlucky enough to find my blog and waste their time reading useless story or if there is no one that willing to do that, having this site to write anything that I like is good enough for me . Maybe some people are lucky enough to have friends that they can share what they feel- sad, happy, in love- or what they want to do. But not for me. I did have some friends that I feel comfortable enough to share everything but one day they just fed-up with me. Starting from that day I just don't trust anyone anymore to listen to my story. I just afraid it will end up the same way as it did before. That's the main point of having this blog.

Lately I just have more to spill out from my mind but I trust nobody. Let me begin with the recent one. Today in my class, I was being elected by my group members to do a presentation together with other representatives from other groups. We were suppose to have a discussion regarding an issue. During the discussion, I was very excited because I have some ideas to throw in it. But unfortunately, my English was so bad, I felt so bad, I even using the word 'rapping' to explain about rape, what in the world was I thinking at that time. I graduated from overseas university yet I failed to put my ideas in English. Sometimes I think having a very good skill in Malay ( I was a debater, panel for Malay forum, Malay public speaker) is not helping me anywhere, so I have decided that one of the best thing for my children is for them not to waste their time to learn Malay. I don't care if people say 'dasar Melayu tak sedar diri', so what?

For 2 years I had been spending my time to improve my Malay speaking skill and I managed to talk very fluently, I have a very high confidence whenever I have to present in Bahasa Melayu. But what do I get for having such a skill? nothing. totally nothing. No one seems to care. So in simple word I have wasted my time for learning such a useless thing. I might spend it into learning how to speak English. No one will also care if I don't know how to use Malay. I don't want my kids to do the same mistake as I did. Enough is enough. I don't care if they totally don't know how to use Malay. Back in my school, there was an Indian girl who did not know Malay and she even did not know how to speak tamil but it was fine for her. She was even a top scorer at my school.

For the time being, I just want to practice my English. Sometime I can speak English very well but sometime I just can't. Maybe I am too stupid for this thing. I can feel like people start looking down at me. Maybe in their minds, they just can't think of any logical reason for why am I here with them? this guy can't even speaks. Someone have made a mistake by choosing him. So here I am, being the most stupid guy in the class. But being not able to do well in this area does not mean that I am totally useless, maybe I can still contribute in other things. I don't know. Maybe someday I will find my own speciality and use it for the benefit of all.